Here I sit at just under two weeks until T-Day. The Transfer. Until about two weeks ago, I couldn’t even call it that. It was simply “The Procedure.” I speak a lot in vague terms these days. For one, because these are terms my children, who know nothing yet of the reproductive cycle, will not understand. That’s important at this stage.

For another, it’s because real terms make this, well, real.

Don’t get me wrong. I do not long to hide from what we’re doing and if I truly felt there were something wrong we wouldn’t be here.

But when you think about the actual reality of it – someone’s real human tissue being inserted into my real human body – it kind of freaks one out. I like to think that’s normal.

On top of this reality, this week, of ironing out words and agreements and policies – getting to the final contract – has me doing a little bit of an inner freak-out. I liken it to the day I got married. Beyond thrilled to be there – we’d done so much work to make it to that altar – and beyond thrilled for the prospect of life beyond this altar – but that moment. That moment of standing there, only a year into my twenties and vowing the rest of forever to this man I actually didn’t even know existed a year ago, that made things very real. And had me screaming in my head, “What are you doing?! What are you doing?! What are you DOING?!” And I’m fully convinced now the wedding ceremony is a big ploy to keep brides and grooms from running away at the last minute – because who wants to let all that work go to waste and let all those people down?! I mean, you have to really be SURE you don’t want this if you’re going to walk away from that. It’s just enough of a big deal to keep you holding on and breathing and pushing yourself through the best decision you ever could have made, even if it seems really big and scary.

But maybe that was just me.

So, anyway, that’s how it feels looking at this contract. Looking down the road to the future – even just the future of this year – and considering all the real, scary stuff that could happen and wanting to run for the hills but realizing all the work and energy that has been put into this, not to mention, the confirmation from God that this is absolutely the best decision we could make – and so I find myself, final copy of the contract in hand, ready to sign but in the back of my head screaming just a little, “What are you doing?!”

And I know this isn’t exactly true for everyone, but I have never before put so much fore-thought into the idea of actually carrying another human being in my body. This potential pregnancy has had the most thought and consideration and planning of any of my own. And, honestly, if anyone really sits down to think about what committing to being pregnant – to forming a human life inside your own body – means, I swear it would freak out any sane person.

So, here we are.

So excited for the future.

So scared about all that may happen between then and now.

But so ready to be standing at the other side, looking back, and knowing – we did it. And it was so worth it.