Sometimes God teaches me a lesson and I think, maybe that one was just for me and I shouldn’t worry about blogging it. But sometimes He won’t let me go until I share it. This is one of those lessons.

I few weeks ago, fresh in the mire of grief following a miscarriage and D&C, still worn out and slow after surgery, while my husband was at the men’s retreat I insisted he still attended and my mother was at the grocery store making a chocolate run, I had my first moment completely alone in nearly a week. And where I thought my heart had been healed by hope, left there to truly wander in my own mind and heart, I broke down in tears.

This renewed crack in my emotional barrier had somewhat been forced open by a beautiful post by a sweet soul serving the Lord overseas. I know she has had her own journey and there have been many hardships, but sometimes when you see the wonder-filled side of ministry, it’s hard to feel the loneliness and misery that sometimes comes with it. In that moment, what I saw was a woman living her purpose. God had called her to this ministry field and, though, again, there have been many questions and moments of tears on her side, there is no doubt she is where she was meant to be. And God was gracious enough to give her a glimpse into the why of all she has gone through. This is her purpose.

And I suddenly remembered only a few weeks prior when I had considered the longing my heart had always had to also serve overseas, and how God had continually taken that desire from me and said, “Not right now.” With a new life blossoming inside of me, there was the realization, if I were overseas right now, I would not have been here, where this family longing for a little one, needed me. I would not have actually been in the place God wanted me. He had me here for a purpose.

But in that lonely moment on my couch, wiped clean of all remnants of a life and death held within my womb, I asked myself, if this – this carrying of a child to grow another family – had been my purpose – my reason for being told I could not go where my heart longed to go – what, now that this life has gone, is my purpose?

Why all of this?!

If my purpose in this season of my life is to bear a child and I have no child within me, what happens to me? Do I even have a true purpose at this point?

Those were the thoughts that flooded my mind in that moment of grief finally breaking through and releasing. Releasing all of what I had held on to and dreamed of and thought of myself.

And as He can only do when we have finally surrendered, broken down the walls and cried out, why?! and then sit in the silence of that question, God spoke.

In this life we all seek a purpose – a reason we were placed on this earth. And so many of us see this purpose as something we can do – our talents, our abilities, our passions. These are our purpose – to follow these. To do. And, more importantly, to do something we can see a result from. To know, in some way, that our actions and abilities and talents actually impacted someone in some way. If we can feel that, if we can see that, then we have accomplished a small part of our purpose. And if we can’t . . . we wander and wonder and search. We need a reason to be here.

But we weren’t created to do. We were created to be. We were created to worship.

God does not need us to accomplish any particular task. In His beautiful grace He often does allow us, His creation, to partake in the wonder of His glorious and miraculous work in this world. But He has never needed us to do anything – because if He wants a work accomplished He is more than able to do it Himself. Any part man plays in His wonderful work is sheer grace.

He did not create us because He needed us. He created us to see His work and His beauty and live in awe of it. We were made to worship.

And if you are pausing in the middle of whatever it is your life is called to be right now – if you’re pausing in the middle of serving, in the middle of grieving, in the middle of rejoicing – to stop and look to Him and simply sit in awe of Who He is and what He has done, then you are living your purpose.

Yes, in that moment of awe He may speak to you – he may give you the grace of a task that can be done to further His purposes and His work. But do not forget. The glory is His. And your sole purpose – your soul purpose – is to belong to Him and revel in the glory of His grace.