Lately I have written lot about hope – particularly since the miscarriage we experienced this spring. I’ve been very particular to label it as “hope” because I’ve struggled deeply with the concept of “faith” – inasmuch as it’s defined in Hebrews 11:1 as “the assurance of things hoped for.” I knew God had called us to this journey as a gestational carrier, but I also knew He had never assured us of a certain outcome, though we have hoped and prayed deeply, and as such I have been almost afraid to have faith in this particular situation.

More so, in looking deeply into myself recently, I realized I had also hardened my heart. While continuing to cling to Him and have hope, I had subconsciously been fearful of trusting Him – I’ve been pulling Him close while pushing Him away. I’ve been reminded recently of what I’d heard our pastor’s wife share, a lesson she had learned from another pastor’s wife. This woman had lost her pastor husband in a car accident and, as a result, said she had not lost her faith in God, but had gotten to a place where she didn’t feel safe to trust Him. I wonder if that’s where many of us who have placed our trust in God end up after loss. This place that says we know He is working for our good and we know we can trust Him with our future and to work in our current circumstances, but we’re just not sure we can trust Him anymore with our hopes and our dreams. Because how do you give over everything that you hope for your future to a God whose ways are not our ways, and truly trust you’ll receive them?

Honestly, I don’t think we can. We can give them over, but we will always know that He may not give them back to us in the ways we’d prefer.

And that’s hard.

Last year I began to write a Bible Study on Colossians. I made it halfway through fairly quickly, yet have barely even touched it this year. There are a variety of factors that go into why, but when I’m honest with myself, I think it’s because I had changed. The girl who had been passionate about digging into the Word had begun to distance herself from the Creator.

I was still reading the Word nearly daily and was still continuing to study through various books and a regular weekly Bible Study. I was still allowing the Word to soak in and learn what I could glean, but on a mostly head level. My heart continued to stay hardened and closed.

Yet, here we are at the end of this calendar year which has had so much struggle, mingled with joy, and as I have seen what is deep in my heart, I have handed God the chisel and allowed Him to begin to chip away at the layers I had built up. I have fallen back into Him and said, “Not my will, but Yours.” I have trusted Him with not just my future, but the future of this child and the future of this other family that has burrowed into my heart.

And it’s still hard.

But I have remembered my first love. I have begun to wake in the mornings and call on Him before I even wriggle from under the covers. I have prayed and I have praised. And I have felt His newness in my veins.

And I’ve even picked up Colossians again.

Thank you all for your prayers, I have certainly felt them. Please continue to lift up this little baby boy and his parents, as well as those of us who are rather emotionally (as well as physically!) tied to them.