^“4 Love is patient, love is kind.

Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, 

⁵ is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, 

and does not keep a record of wrongs. 

⁶ Love finds no joy in unrighteousness

but rejoices in the truth. 

⁷ It bears all things, believes all things,

hopes all things, endures all things.

⁸ Love never ends. “

1 Corinthians 13:7-8

Our culture tells us love is a feeling. It swarms the heart, gives tingles down your spine and butterflies in the stomach. It’s the warm, fuzzy feeling you have when you hold your precious little ones in your arms, or they give you a spontaneous kiss on the cheek. It’s the rush of hormones when your significant other embraces you in a passionate kiss.

Love is. All the feels.

But anyone in a long-term relationship can probably attest, love is so much more than all the warm fuzzies or hormones or butterflies. Love, at times, is a deliberate choice. It’s choosing to put one’s needs ahead of your own. To look after their best interests and, when necessary, to set aside your own wants and comforts.

This choice is not always an easy one to make. The recipient does not always seems to deserve it, nor do they seem to appreciate the sacrifice. Sometimes other people are infuriating, sometimes they’re just annoying, but mostly they’re just human. And so are we.

So love, sometimes, can be hard.

Even when we’re talking about those we actually do love the most.

So, what does it mean to choose love?

This phrase stood out to me a number of years ago when I was struggling with motherhood and with showing love. I know when I say that, it makes it sound like the struggle is in the past. But it’s not, really. Because the choice to show love is a day-by-day, moment-by-moment choice. It’s not one choice when we put on the ring or when the baby enters our family. It’s a series of choices. Every. day.

The struggle, for me, is with anger. And choosing words of anger over words of love. Because children are lovely and fun and entertaining and sweet. But they’re also human. So they’re also sometimes disobedient, angry, ungrateful and just plain mean. And at those times, my own human side comes out.

So I need a reminder. I need to remember that love is a choice. And when their human-ness is coming out, I need to choose to respond in love. And this applies to all of my relationships.

I need to choose patience. I need to choose kindness. I need to choose not to be envious, boastful, arrogant, rude or irritable. Oh no. Because so often it looks completely opposite in my home.

So, this list is for me as much as it’s for you. Here are some specific ways to choose love in your home and in your relationships.

1. Treat others the way you would want to be treated. I mean, it sounds simple. And we all know this golden rule, but do we always stop to truly consider it? I can speak for myself when I say, maybe not so much. When someone asks for my help, do I respond the way I would want them to respond to me if I needed help? If someone does something that bothers me, do I tell them so in a way that I would want to be told? This applies even double when we’re talking about our children, because not only is it simply more respectful to treat others the way we want to be treated, but we are also modeling for them the way we want them to behave. If they only see ugly from us, they will be more likely to show ugly to others. So often the yucky attitudes I see in my children are merely reflections of what I’ve displayed to them.
2. Do More Than What’s Expected. In our home this means going above and beyond. If you’re asked to set the table, don’t just put the dishes on the table, but set them nicely. And this is also paired with having a good attitude. Because going above and beyond with a grudging attitude certainly does not look like love. As a momma and a wife, this looks different in every home, but it might mean filling their cups for meal-time even though in our home the kids should do that on their own. Or I might take the car for an oil change because my husband mentioned it needs it and I’m out and about anyway.
3. Do what someone else hates. I learned early on in our marriage that, essentially, every task has to get done whether someone likes it or not. So even if none of us likes taking out the trash, it still has to get done. So I shouldn’t put it off hoping someone else will do it. Sometimes I just have to put on my big girl panties and do the things I don’t like, because no one likes them and me choosing to do it shows love to those who don’t have to.
4. Learn their love languages – and put that knowledge to work. Essentially, a love language is how someone gives or receives love most effectively. You may feel you’ve been going out of your way to show love by doing the above (which would be Acts of Service), but your spouse or child may receive love best through Words of Affirmation. If you’re not speaking to them about what you love and appreciate about them, they may not even notice your acts of service and their love tanks may remain empty. Follow this link to take a free profile quiz and determine your love language and encourage your spouse to do the same. You can also take the assessment for your children. If your spouse isn’t interested, do your best to try out the different languages and see which one he/she responds to best. Their preferred love language may be absolutely least on your scale, but you need to focus on showing love in the way that best speaks to them, even if it’s out of your comfort zone.
5. Slow down and focus on your response. When someone triggers unlovely thoughts or emotions in you, don’t respond from that emotion, but instead, take a moment to breathe, count to ten and consider what love would look like in this situation. (If you have 1 Corinthians 13 memorized, maybe recite that in your mind during your 10-second breather.) Would love yell or scream or fight back? Love would show patience. Love would be kind. Love would sit that child down in a gentle manner and explain what the problem is and how to fix it.
6. Show them you’re thinking of them. Although it’s not on the list, I often say my love language is “Evidence of Thought.” This is because in reality, my love language is Gifts, with Acts of Service being secondary, but in both of those, I’m really wanting to see that someone actually thought of me – that they put themselves in my shoes and considered what I would want or need, without me having to tell them. The right gift or act of service can show me how well someone has invested in getting to know me. Pick up their favorite candy from the store or do a chore they’ve been putting off (or one they just do every day without even thinking about it). Show them you really thought about them.
7. Write a letter. Or a list. Write down what you love about this person. This might be something you give to them, or it might be something you keep for yourself as a reminder, particularly during difficult moments if it’s a relationship that often causes tension – better yet, make a copy and give one to them, so they know you see them and care about them, and keep one for yourself.
8. Pray for them. I maybe should have made this number one, because the most important way to choose love in your relationships is to take those you love before God. Pray for what they’re going through now. Pray for their future. Pray for your relationship. Pray that you would be a reflection of God’s love in your home and in your friendships. God is love. We cannot be love without him.

Did you know the “Choose Love” sign is a design available in my Etsy shop? I designed it as a daily reminder to make this choice – the choice to love even on the hard, yucky days. If you’d like your own “Choose Love” sign find one here, but be sure to sign up below to grab a discount!