As mentioned last week, I have been struggling through the darkness of depression. My first step was to eliminate the medication we believed was exacerbating the issue – but sometimes, even when we’ve taken the steps to address underlying physical causes, there are residual emotional battles to be fought. And in this season of reaching up for the hand that can pull me out of the miry pit, I’m wanting to share the practical changes I’m making – just in case any of this is useful to anyone down here in the pit with me.

1. Sleep. This one is tricky. Absolutely. Because I know for me, exhaustion is where things really start to spiral. And it’s not that I don’t want to sleep or don’t try to sleep, it’s that my mind will just not shut down and so sleep eludes me often. So, I get it if you’re rolling your eyes at me, because, duh sleep would help, if we could just make it happen. In fact, insomnia is often a symptom of depression – which also has me wondering – is it an effect, or a cause? But that’s another discussion. Recently, though, I had a friend tell me what he had learned about getting rid of an ear worm – those annoying songs you just can’t get out of your head. He had heard that if you hear just enough of another recognizable tune, but one that isn’t long enough to get stuck – like a familiar ring tone – it will break the cycle of the previous song while not getting you re-hooked. I’ve learned the same thing can work with thoughts. My nightly routine for the past week is to light a Vetiver candle (an essential oil known for its ability to calm the mind – you can buy some oil on Amazon and use it in a diffuser) and pick up a magazine – and it’s not just any magazine – I don’t think just anything would work. My reading choice is the Magnolia Journal – it’s pricey, but I love the Gaines family, so I enjoy seeing more of their perspective on life. It’s both a challenge to me and a balm to my soul. The articles don’t make me feel like I’m failing at life or decorating or housework – instead, they’re an invitation to slow down and savor the life around you. These are the words I need – and the articles are just simple enough to break my thought cycle out of my to-do’s or solving the world’s problems, or sorting through my own. They break the thought worms but aren’t so deep that they create new ones. I’ve found just 5-10 minutes of this routine – a candle and a magazine – has been just the key to shutting down my brain and allowing me to sleep. Disclaimer: I am still exhausted during the day. It seems no matter how much sleep I get, I never stop being tired. I still think there’s an underlying cause and I’m still trying to solve that. But I do know getting sleep has made the constant undercurrent of exhaustion a little more bearable.
2. Scripture. I maybe should have put this first. This season of darkness has made me oh-so-thirsty for the Light. I want to just marinate in the Truth of God day and night. In an effort to do just that, I have made a reconcerted effort to memorize Scripture. In the past I have used the Scripture Typer app (now called “The Bible Memory App” – but either search will help you find it). In those moments when I am tempted to pick up my phone and find something meaningless, I can open my Bible Memory App instead and work on committing scripture to memory. I am, right now, working on 1 Corinthians 13 – because I need to love better. But what was so beautiful was a few days ago, when I decided to look back at verses I was committing to memory ages ago (1,371 days overdue, according to the app) and I was trying to recall Colossians 3 – the memorizing of which launched an entire Bible Study I just finished writing over the summer – I found myself back to Colossians 3:14 – “And above all these, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.” God is always so good to bring things back full circle, even when we’ve forgotten truths we’d memorized so long ago. Pray for a Scripture God wants to use in your heart and start committing it to memory
3. Confession. As I’m ending my day, I’m doing something I have overlooked for a large part of my life. I am praying a prayer of confession. I am looking back over my day to see where I went wrong – the missteps taken or harsh words spoken. And I’m confessing those to God and asking forgiveness. I’m releasing the guilt that tends to build up while also re-directing my focus. Because if I’m aware of these things I did today that I wish I hadn’t, then maybe tomorrow I’ll make a better choice. Maybe I’ll slow down and choose love.
4. Deliberately slowing down. I have a tendency to rush through life – I know so many women do the same. We have what social scientists refer to as “mental load” – that is all the things it seems it is our responsibility to remember and keep on track – such as planning dinner, keeping all the kids on track with schoolwork, remembering which bills to pay and when, knowing what’s on the family calendar and planning backward from there to know how to get everyone where they need to be and when and fed and properly dressed. These are the areas where we can drop the ball and feel like such a failure. But some of this load can actually be released, if we’re willing. We can draw a line and say, this far and no further. We can push ourselves to go, go, go until we drop, or we can sit down on the porch with a book and listen to the rain falling on the trees. And what I’ve discovered over the past week or so, is that that life – the one of hearing the rain, or hugging a sweet friend, or sitting with a bedtime story – that life is the one that’s worth living. The one where I push myself without a break for days, weeks, months on end, that’s the one that I want to let go of. And I can do that without actually letting go of life altogether. I can release myself of the pressure – let loose some of the things I don’t need to hold on to, ask for help on the things that can’t be dropped (like actually asking my husband, who is surprisingly willing, because I am blessed to have a husband who sees me and sees my struggle and wants to lighten the load where he can, to cook the dinner I planned so that I can keep sitting a little longer). In essence, I’m lightening the mental load wherever I can. Especially in areas where I created unnecessary load – because we do that, don’t we? We put pressure where there doesn’t need to be any – perfection does not need to be the goal.
5. Put Down the Phone. Every heart is different, but there are days when I know I can handle social media and it’s this beautiful tool that helps me keep up with a friend going through cancer treatments and live joyously and vicariously through others who are traveling around Italy. But there are days when I cannot handle seeing friends who are together without me or suffer through reading another rant. Moreover, it’s hard for me to focus on the little details of life with a screen in front of my face. So I’ve been leaving it in the other room a little more often. Or if I’m going to fill any amount of time on my little device, I use it wisely – suchas with the aforementioned Scripture Memory, or with Duolingo – putting my brain to work learning a new language, rather than wallowing or mindlessly playing a game with little soul value. But overall, putting it down altogether allows me to see those who are around me. And it’s another way to almost tangibly just leave behind the mental load.

So this is where I am. Breathing slow. Living a life of quiet moments. Prioritizing restfulness. Mindfully marinating in the Word of God. None of these is a cure-all. There is still exhaustion. There are still moments of feeling overwhelmed. There are still tears at the ready. I’m not a licensed counselor and I can’t fix anyone – I most certainly can’t fix myself. But I’m reaching for the hand that can and I’m allowing Him to wash over and through me. We’re in this together, friend.

If you’re looking to dig deeper into Scripture as you walk through the woods, you can get a Bible Study Book Study Background Worksheet here to help you navigate your own study on a Book of the Bible.